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Toxic
“You can’t just get anything right! How many times will I tell you that I hate being served solid food for dinner?” Ken screamed at me. I was so devastated yet I tried to explain but he just wouldn’t listen. He kept on ranting and screaming abusive words at me and when he was done, he walked into the bedroom angrily and slammed the door. Actually, I came back late from work that evening tired and worn out. All I had to do for dinner to be ready before my husband’s arrival is to prepare a quick meal. So I made ‘garri’, defrosted the readymade soup in the microwave and in less than 25 minutes, I was through. I did not want to face the wrath of Ken over not getting his dinner ready by the time he got back from work. Alas! My effort wasn’t appreciated, rather I got tongue lashed. I sat on the dinning chair, broken, battered and of course hungry with tears running down my face.
Ken’s always been hard to please right from our courtship days. He snapped at me almost at every given opportunity. My love for him made me overlook that aspect of his behaviour thinking he would outgrow it in marriage; little did I know that I was living in a fool’s paradise. Ken did not relent in finding fault with almost everything I did. If it’s not about my cooking or dressing, it will definitely be about my house keeping. He criticised me anytime he felt like, not minding who is there or where we were. I tried pleading with him to stop rebuking me openly but it all fell on deaf ears. There was a day I tried helping our 4-year old son fix his toy, accidentally it fell and got damaged. Before I could pick the toy up, my son yelled at me “Can’t you get it right?” I stood there dumbfounded as reality hit me that my son had picked up his father’s trait.
The most annoying part of my issue with Ken is that he doesn’t care who gets hurt or not, provided his demands are met. I was about serving lunch one Saturday when a friend of his came in unannounced. The food I prepared wouldn’t go round but Ken insisted his friend joins us at the table. I decided to reduce the portion on each person’s plate in order for it to go round. Ken shouted at me asking why the quantity of the food was small and why I wanted to belittle him in the presence of his friend. I felt humiliated and all I could do was to part with my lunch so as to maintain peace. Ken never apologised over the matter, as a matter of fact, he rarely apologises because he would always have reasons to back up his actions. I have become a prisoner in my own home because I can’t express my feelings without a heated retort. I can’t even dress the way I like without being mentally harassed. So I resolved to do things just to please him without giving consideration to my feelings yet my effort is considered as vain. For how long will I continue to live like this? I just need help because I am gradually losing it……
I have discovered over the years that there are some relationships that are toxic in nature. That is, the person in question has a behaviour which in the long run can cause damage to the emotional well-being of the other. As we all know, accumulated toxic material in the body is detrimental to the health of an individual, so is toxic behaviour in any relationship; it gradually builds up till it eventually cause severe damage to its victim. Any relationship that is capable of wrecking your emotions, makes you feel bad, worthless, belittled or undermines your self-esteem is toxic. Such relationship is characterised by manipulation, controlling behaviour, verbal or physical abuse as the case may be. The victim on the other hand responds to this behaviour basically out of fear of facing confrontation or that of losing the relationship. Most times the victim tags along by being overly accommodating, becoming numb to the situation or in extreme cases, withdrawing completely from the relationship.
I have had situations where I had to walk away from friends who had toxic behaviour and were not willing to change. Their ‘It’s my nature, take it or leave it’ kind of attitude, didn’t make them see the need for change and as a result, I had to withdraw from such relationships. It is much easier, so to speak, to withdraw from friends, associates or fiancé/fiancee with toxic behaviour; after all, there is no oath binding on you, than walking away from a spouse who has toxic behaviour. That is the more reason I advise Singles to apply caution backed with prayers before settling down in marriage because whatever you can’t address during courtship might never get fixed in marriage.
Toxic behaviour in marriage is highly detrimental to the home, most especially, the victim. If you discover that you are overly critical, manipulative, have a controlling behaviour or downtalk your spouse either in private or public; you are gradually infusing your marriage with toxins which in the long run will destroy the marriage.
On the other hand, if you are a victim of toxic behaviour in marriage, numbing yourself or trying to be overly accommodating won’t solve the problem. It’s like sweeping dirt under the rug; whenever you lift the rug up, the dirt will still be there. Nagging about it or being confrontational will not solve it either because it could even degenerate into physical abuse. Therefore, it is advisable that both parties should seek help and that, from the right source. You can choose to visit a therapist or a counsellor, however; I recommend that you take your issues through prayers to God who is the greatest therapist because He is the only one who has the ability to change anyone.
Also, the one who is the victim in the relationship should work on her/his self-esteem because it’s like a skeleton to the body; self-esteem gives structure to your personality. Like someone said, ‘nobody can make you feel bad unless you allow them’ therefore, make up your mind that while you seek help to address the situation, you will constantly build your self-esteem.
Thank you once again for going through this week’s article. Feel free to leave your comments and contributions on the page. You can also send a mail to info@iretiadeoyinleye.com or iretioyinleye@gmail.com I look forward to hearing from you. Lastly, I want to thank everyone who have sent in personal messages to me or left their comments on the page; I really do appreciate you. Till I come your way next week, remain blessed.
11 Comments
Wowwwww, such beautiful and insightful write up, the wisdom behind these write ups cannot be earthly, I can only conclude it is inspirational. I am always blessed ma. God bless you. A toxic relationship is really a very terrible relationship to be in, ladies we really need to pray and do not ignore subtle signs, what you cannot endure now, please do not throw caution to the wind and sign in for it, sometimes God’s way of warning us is to make the signs very obvious, that it becomes impossible not to notice, do not ignore these warning signs, you can’t also feign ignorance because, ignorance has never been a good enough excuse. Lets ask the Holy Spirit to help us choose rightly. Also if you are already married, nothing is impossible with God, PRAY. Remember WAR ROOM. Stay blessed.
Thanks Adesuwa for that wonderful contribution, God bless you.
Hmmm, quite inspiring. I think every single lady needs to read dis write-up n for we who r already in marriage n having such toxins, we must pray our way through n out of it. Am certain God will give us a way out. “For nothing is impossible with God” God bless u ma’am n bless all d readers.
Amen, thank you ma’am
Quite inspiring. I hope every single lady gets to read dis. And for us married ladies still struggling with such toxins, God will help us to pray our way through n out of such toxins in Jesus name. Shalom!
Hmmmmmm. .. a wonderful write up and let me join my voicebin saying every single person should read this and ofcourse the married as well.
The truth is thensigns are always there and just like the lady in the right up, the expectation isnalways that things will change when we get married, unfortunately, that never happens.
I live prayers, it isna good thing to do but believe me, therebare things God expects us to take action on and not just stip at the point of praying…. remember, work and pray.
To be a buly or abusive is bad but it is the one that tolerate the bully that is more at fault. Until we learn to stand up to the abusive or bully, he continues to torment you. It is time to stand up to he abusive partner either in marriage or courtship.
God bless us and keep our homes.
Gid bless you dear IretiogoOluwa for the beautiful write up.
Amen! Thank you so much for that wonderful contribution ma.
Totally toxic, dangerous and heart wrenching reading about toxic relationships. v Jesus please fix this. Men, why on earth will you want to deliberately hurt a woman you profess to love, that gave you sleepless nights before the’ yes I do’? While we engage in prayers and studying God’s words we need to take other practical steps in my own opinion. One very important aspect is communication with the guidance of the Holy Spirit. The madam is really hurting and this has to stop. You are his wife not slave, you are not less a human than he is, not confrontational but dialogue. A wise woman builds her home so the onus is on us as women. Crying won’t solve any problem but rather expose your weakness further. Take charge of that home with prayer and the word. The War room is a must watch for every family. You need to seek godly counsel, this has gone past no 3rd party involved, in fact mega godly parties need be involved. A lion has to be tamed before he pounces and devours on the prey. I totally lost it when a seemingly innocent child is already working in the steps of the abusive man. He will be a far worse monster if necessary steps are not taken. lastly, to the singles don’t ignore obvious and potentially dangerous signs in courtships. marriage won’t probably change a man positively so stop living in a fool’s paradise, ts prayers that does. What you/God can’t change during courtship and you believe you won’t be able to live with after marriage should make you quit. God bless ma for this inspiring/timely post
Thank you so much for that wonderful contribution, God bless you.
Well done Sis Ireti for the beautiful write-up. People have commented well. My worry is for how long will such a woman, whose self-esteem has been reduced to ‘zero’ remain in this horrible situation? I am not disputing the fact that God works wonders and answers prayers. Just worried because a lot of women are in such situations, and do not even have the ‘gut’ to mention counseling to their own husbands. God will continue to grant us wisdom to handle Toxic situations.
Thank you so much for that contribution. Honestly I agree with you that we have so many women in that situation who are suffering in silence. That’s why we need to identify with them, encourage and pray for them; it is not easy. Let me quickly point out that we also have men and children going through the same issue.
I have seen some men who talking down at others is habitual to them. In such a case, friends can decide to walk away from them but it’s not easy for their spouse and children to abandon them. It’s a habit they formed over time and it will really take a lot of commitment, hardwork and prayers to break such habit off. It’s like trying to talk to a drug addict to abandon his drugs and we expect him to just get off it like that.
That is why it is advisable for the woman to work on herself first. Let her work on regaining her self esteem , get herself busy with what makes her happy, work on being an asset and not a liability. While she is at it, she won’t neglect her duty of taking care of her home and praying for her spouse.
Every victim must work it out so that they can be a survivor. That is, the point where they refuse to resign to fate or wallow in self pity. ‘No one can make you feel worthless except you permit them’.
God will grant grace and wisdom to everyone in that situation.